My Pain is Not My EX’s Fault. It’s On Me.


It's not her fault

…it’s mine.

Why am I reporting that on the forum to you today? What is my fault? Why should you care?

That which is my “fault”, or a better word “my responsibility” are my feelings.

Those feelings, my brain knows now, were always my responsibility.

But it’s hard to “feel” that in the heart and soul, the places where we really live, when the object of our addiction, the person we love, is gone.

Today after so much time, I looked in the morning mirror and realized the way I feel is not my ex’s “fault”. It’s mine.

And it’s my responsibility to right that.

Why should you care? Because if you're reading this, you already probably do care.

Cutting to the chase, at the beginning of the separation, the ending of being in each other’s lives, I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.

And I believed it was her fault! She dumped me for someone else.

That whole mindset consumed me. I wanted to die. Anything to stop the pain.

Well I didn’t die. I sought out help like the help I got here on EXaholics.

I found tools and anchors. And I got better. I got to the point where I got used to her being out of my life.

Still, I get mental images of her leaving me, with her new man, happy without me, forgetting me, not even crossing her mind.

And I’m at the point where that’s a good thing.

You see, we really weren’t good for each other. For whatever reason. And there are many depending on the time of day and how I am feeling about myself.

“I thought you said you were cutting to the chase WeedPuller.”

Oh yeah, right.

The chase...

I got over the breakup. I survived it. And after that there are things still left to do.

Those other “things” I sometimes confuse with the breakup.

But the breakup, while painful and still being healed from, has been survived.

Wanted to die. But I held on.

Didn’t think I would make it. But I did.

I think, and I get you are really really hurting right now, that you too will get through it. Even though it doesn’t feel like it right now. You will.

Just find some support and hold on. It will pass.

And it won’t be the end of your pain and growth once you are past the ending of your relationship. So try to be like me and try not to confuse the other pain you might have with the breakup.

Hold on. Times a thousand, hold on.

Last thing; while there are parallels we all experience going through our recovery from the EXaholic addiction, my experience is that my own ongoing recovery is unique.

I got frustrated when I saw others getting “better” before I did and when they found new relationships before I did.

So my understanding of that now is this:

We can support each other, but ultimately the journey is ours and ours alone.

It’s no longer her fault--the way I feel. It’s on me. It was always on me.

(Fault is a harsh word I know but I don’t have a better one right now).

It’s my responsibility to allow work on allowing myself to feel better--a responsibility I am slowly learning to accept more fully with the passing of every day.

This post was written by a member of the community.

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