Breakup Recovery, The EXaholics Way

by EXaholics Editor

Dear Members and Future Members of EXaholics,

There is a very noticeable difference between EXaholics and most online resources for heartbreak. For one, we're opposed to gimmicks. For example, we don't ask members to login and choose emojis to express themselves, the way a child might be asked to do when visiting a school psychologist. We are opposed to programs, many of them expensive, that claim to show you how to get an EX back. We find those to be very exploitative. These are scams that set us back emotionally and financially.

We very much believe in the tools of recovery. The way we see it, the work of recovery is what gives us a chance to heal, in a way that has the potential to create better opportunities to become connected, and live life in a more fulfilling way.

However, this comes with real effort. Yes it takes effort to login to spill our guts and share where we are, on the path. It takes effort to login and declare a day count. And it takes effort for newer members to connect in the chat room and participate with others who've been here awhile.

We should all feel some optimism about the fact that an honest effort has the potential to deliver results. If there's anything we've learned it's that real healing and hard work go hand in hand. And when we do the work, the healing feels so much sweeter. Because anything we do in life, in which we have put in an honest day's work, pays us back with the kind of satisfaction that is unattainable with gimmicks and short cuts. And not only that, the lasting satisfaction is the foundation upon which our self confidence in future relationships is built.

But if we think that just showing up in the early stages and feeling better in the short term is enough, we are running the risk of short changing ourselves. Because the more effort we place in recovery over a longer stretch--until we heal in a well rounded way--the greater the chance we'll learn more about ourselves and avoid the same pitfalls in the future.

We urge everyone, regardless of stage of recovery, to post daily check-ins. We recommend everyone under 6 months since contact with an EX to post their day count declarations, regardless of the day they are on. ( more about counting days found here:

And we strongly suggest joining live chat to connect in real time with real feelings. Remember that feeling mildly better after joining is only the beginning. There's a larger, more fulfilling goal of a better life that we hope not to miss. We suggest everyone post their feelings today. And it also helps to comment on posts from other members. For example, you may want to reply to this post from one of our members. Maybe you can share what worked for you when you felt this way. Or maybe you can share how you can relate to her at this very moment. Here's what she had to say:

"I still struggle to get over my ex. It is not logical to want to go back to him, I still want to though. I know he is not healthy for me and can not make me happy on the long run. But on the other hand in the good moments I was the most happiest human being with him. Like a drug as I say… I needed him as he needed me, but in the end we would have destroyed each other for sure. Yes, it is so hard that they can be so emotionless. But now I wonder why I always want to save people and chose the most sick and difficult ones, and that is an interesting topic to dig in… but not easy to accept and change, but possible. I still dream of my ex during nights, miss him terribly. Also I check him on social media still and I assume he might be in a new relationship. I am not sure – it hurts me already. I try to not care and not think about it. Concentrate on myself again. The hurtful thing is that I still think I truly love this man despite all. And that he also had true feelings for me, despite it all. And that our love has no chance because of it all, is so damn hard to accept for me. It takes all of me to let go. It makes me so sad to have lost him. But it makes me mad too that he is the way he is and that we couldn’t work things out. Then I wonder if I would have still loved him the way I do if he was different… all in all it was an intense relationship, a deep love, a roller coaster, very romantic, very dramatic, highly physical, endless exciting, draining me and occupying me… we were feeling alive for sure and in daily struggles now I sure miss these exciting emotions. And to care for someone. Like he tried to control me I also tried to control him in the sense of trying to safe him of his problems. Instead of dealing with my own. It is so hard to accept that I can not heal or help him. It makes me sad and angry… because I truly love and want him and we fit together so well. But I have no control here anymore and never really had. I guess he cut me out of his heart already and is emotionless towards me. This gives me the rest truly… I wish him the best and I keep my love for him somewhere inside me and need to learn to let go truly and to live on without him in my life. I want to have children and a family and a responsible man you know. So I needed to make a decision. I sometimes wonder if I made the right choice. I really hope so."

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