The ex you KNEW is not the ex you KNOW!


This is one of the more valuable insights you'll develop about your ex. Maybe.

Try thinking back. Way back.  Remember how your ex treated you when things were going so well? Naturally you remember the responsiveness, the calls, the laughs, the full-on engagement. Yes, there may have been scattered problems and issues in the relationship, but clearly you were an undeniable part of the twosome.

Fast forward to today. Is the attention there? The respect? The acknowledgement?

Our feelings for our exes go back to the person we knew, loved, dated, lived with, or were married to. The person they were then, despite challenges, was authentically the person we developed strong feelings for. Today are we even talking about the same person? This is a critical point to take into consideration.

It's as if the person we knew passed away with a new soul taking their place. And here we are now, pining for an entirely different person. Take a step back. This new person, the one for whom you are longing and hurting, may be someone you don't actually know.  He or she may have the same physical appearance but not much more than that.  Once again, THIS person you talk about today is may actually NOT be your Ex. Your EX didn't just leave you, but in a sense left this world. And since science hasn't yet discovered how to bring back the fallen, the grief you might be feeling is one that commemorates your ex's passing.

Try to understand your ex as a stranger--a warped new manifestation with whom you actually do not have a past. This explains why your efforts at everything from closure to reconciliation may be failing miserably.

And don't worry so much about what they're doing. Imagine the ex you knew and loved isn't dating anyone new. They're not even here. The one going on dates is a different soul entirely, who just happens to inhabit the body of your ex. Need proof? Just think about it. If he or she was the same person, your relationship would still be current. You would be together and growing. Need anyone say more?!

Dr. Lisa Bobby is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Psychotherapist, and a Board Certified Life Coach. She is a contributing expert to and founder of


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