A break-up can be very painful regardless of who pulled the trigger. You wake up and you yearn for your ex. During the day you get bouts of anger at the injustices and unfair treatment that occurred.
Here are three things you can do right away to process this and start putting this relationship in the past.
Organize the Memories
Yes, you will go back and forth from missing your ex to being angry. The problem is that your brain cannot start putting this in the past unless it understands that your ex was not ALL GOOD or ALL BAD. You job here is to pair the things you WILL miss about them (when they pop into your mind), with the things about them you WON’T miss.
For example: You wake, and while taking a shower, you miss the morning coffee and think,
“I miss having coffee with them in the morning…..”
Now your job is to connect what you won’t miss:
“But I won’t miss wondering who they are having drinks with after work!”
Continuing to pair the positive and negative will help your brain process the acceptance of this persona not being horrible – just not for you.
Have Flexible Rules
Friends may say, “Don’t text your ex!” Sure, it’s ideal to start making distance so you can detach. But detaching is a process and if you have the urge to check-in or touch base and you wait 48 hours and you STILL believe you have to touch base … can anyone really stop you? And if you do reach out, see if this is helping you detach or making it harder?
Build your Relationship Capital
The best way to build relationship capital is to invest in you. Diversify your previous investment in your ex into yourself in order to heal the hurt. Start a new work out, take a class, join a group, start new and wonderful self-care that you can maintain. Look to get back to the things that have fallen by the wayside and make them part of your priority.
To learn more about Dr. Paul DePompo check out his website: www.cbtiofsocal.com