Taking the EX Out of SEX


Ending a relationship with an ex can be one of the most difficult transitions in your life, but what happens when you continue to stay in contact with him or her? A simple phone call can turn into hanging out, and next thing you know you fall back into your old ways, including rolling around in the sheets.

Many end up having sex with an ex for a variety of reasons. For some, it might be comfortable, familiar, or even create some excitement in your life after the breakup. However, the following are 10 reasons why you might want to consider ending sex with your ex:

1) Sex is open game. Now that you and your ex are no longer in a relationship together, you both are free to sleep and date whomever you both choose. This not only means that your ex might be sleeping around with others, but it also makes the potential risk of getting an STD (Sexually Transmitted Disease) increase. Be safe and always use protection if you do not know where your ex has been.

2) Stop with the “sex was amazing” excuse. This might have been an area in your relationship that previously worked well, but this does not give you a good enough reason to continue to hook up. It will be a consistent reminder of what you had with him or her, and it is time for you to move on. Who knows, the next person you might date might be even better.

3) The manipulation game. Many people continue to have sex hoping to change the decision or mind of an ex. Stop right there. You or your ex should never have to convince a person to be in a relationship- all people involved should want to be in a relationship, and to force one is setting yourself and your future relationships up for failure.

4) It should not be a means to boost your self-esteem. After a breakup it is normal to want to still feel desirable, but looking for confidence from an ex should be your last resort. Self-esteem should come from within, and if this has always been a struggle for you, consider speaking to a counselor or therapist that can help you process ways to create self-esteem and work through the previous relationship.

5) To cure your loneliness. You might feel lonely on some days and believe that turning to your ex won’t add another notch on the bedpost, but think twice before you jump in the sheets. Remind yourself why the two of you did not work out in the first place, and that with time you will meet someone else. Patience is a virtue so get out and find ways to keep yourself busy without involving your ex.

6) You do not have the right to know what your ex is doing now. Unless your ex decides to disclose information, you do not, I repeat, you do not have the right to know what your ex is up to in his or her life, including whom he or she is sleeping with at this point. Even if you two are still hooking up, this does not give your ex any reason to share details unless agreed upon. No ifs, ands or buts.

7) The awkward goodbye. So you and your ex just slept together. Now what? For most people, it can create a very awkward situation that is unnecessary. Plus you don’t want to end up becoming just a booty call when you can be hanging out with friends and meeting other interesting people instead.

8) You’re lowering your standards. Maybe both or just one of you decided that things were not working out for whatever reasons and decided to end the relationship. By having sex with an ex, you subconsciously are telling yourself that you don’t deserve better. Well I am here to tell you that you do deserve better, especially someone that will want to be in a relationship with you, so raise your standards and find someone that deserves your time.

9) It will not solve what was already there in the first place. Having sex with an ex will not take away the disagreements and decision that ended the relationship initially. Take a moment and ask yourself, “Why did we not workout?” You may or may not know the answer to this, but simply knowing something wasn’t right to one or both of you was what ended the relationship. Sex will not change anything, and this leads to the last and most important reason…

10) It does not allow you to move on. Many people have sex with an ex in hopes of rekindling the relationship that once was there. The truth of the matter is that in most breakups there is often one partner that may still have emotional ties. This is not only setting someone up for disappointment, but it also does not allow you to personally move forward once the split has occurred. Your relationship has ended, and you owe it to yourself to grieve the loss that has happened… but then move on.

Melissa Risso is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and contributing EXpert at EXaholics.com

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